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If you're looking for something funny, you're on the wrong page. But I'd still like you to read this.

Here's the scoop. All of my life I've been a christian. My mom is deeply religious, and pressed Jesus into me before I could talk. It was how I grew up, loving God and praising Jesus, along with my fellow christians. Sometimes I questioned God, as to whether he existed or not, whether I really bought all of this. But when I found these thoughts in my head, such a great fear came over me, that I had to immediately drop them, and ask my lord for forgiveness.

And so I conformed to Christianity, the most socially acceptable beleif system I could have in this country. I denied my own logic for fear of God, and, even more so, for fear of the public opression I would recieve if I didn't praise the public God. (Ofcourse, we have freedom of religion in this nation, but we also have the freedom to be narrow minded, and to make other people miserable, and there are a lot of morons in our country) Perhaps, the worst of this opression would be from my own family, and that's what I was horrified of. So I would try my best to be christian, because it had no apparent downsides. Unfortunately, my skepticism, no matter how I tried to dispose of it, caused me to have a very impersonal relationship with God. I was afraid God knew of my lack of faith, and it would only make it worse when I would go to church and not feel the miracles of Jesus, to have to fake it. So I was at the same time facing social abuse and eternal damnation, two very frightening things for an 8 year old. And, ofcourse, I blamed myself. I knew my lack of faith and acceptance was a sin, and that I must get rid of my blasphemy before it cost me eternity.

For years I remained in this state of fear and anxiety. Church made me nervous, prayer brought guilt, and THINKING scared the hell out of me. It's a horrible thing to block your mind from logic and rationality, but I had no other choice. I was lying to myself, telling myself that God made the Earth in seven days and trying to believe it, force feeding myself chapters of the Bible and then pretending it made me feel better. For YEARS this torture plagued my state of being, as I tried to avoid rationality and find faith, blind faith. God should have been my source of comfort, and I told myself that I loved him. But in actuality, he was the greatest discomfort of my life, because of how I feared him.

Now, I've never been a conformist. I've never accepted that the surest way to success is to fit the mold that modern society has set for me. I've never thought that people will only like me if i dress cool. I've never been a particular fan of the most popular music, the most popular people, or the most popular standards of behavior. (My friends will testify) And for a good reason. I cannot live with myself, thinking that I took the easy way out, that I'm a copycat, that I didn't establish my own charector and personality. However, I didn't think twice about accepting the religion that my parents, no, that american culture placed before me. And finally I discovered why I couldn't live with myself.

And so I was faced with a delimma. Do I think for myself when it comes to religion, or do I continue to accept my place in society. Either sides had dire disadvantages, and I must make my decision once and for all. The answer came in a dream.

I was lying in bed, about to say my nightly prayer. But I was hesitant. An angel appeared on my shoulder. (I don't expect you to believe this) She urged me to accept God. Not in words, but I got the jest. I should choose christianity so I can get to heaven, and so that my life on earth will be good. Morality says that faith is a virtue, and nothing bad can come from this acceptance. On my other shoulder appeared, not a devil, but myself. It told me that morality is only real if it is believed by one's self. My morality could not allow me to deny reason for comfort and greed, greed for heaven. I could not believe in something because it's the easiest way, but I must find my own beliefs through my own knowledge and logic. I reallized that the angel was tempting me, with her offers of eternal happiness, and earthly comfort. I decided once and for all that I would risk hell in order to make my own beliefs, for if my creator is one who punishes those of his making who insist on personal thought, then I deserved hell. When I awoke, I knew that I could never again be a true christian.

Please, reader, do not think that I hate christianity. Do not think that I consider christians naive, or even that I think the teachings are wrong. I am not writing this to encourage the renunciation of your religion, or to spread my own beliefs that I will outline. Any attempt to prove or disprove God, a metaphysical idea, indicates a failure to understand what God is. All I am saying, is that christianity, at least, pure christianity, cannot work for me. My mind is too analytical to be contained by the walls of another's religion.

Though I could not accept God as I know him, this did not make me an atheist. I still felt the need for spiritual guidance, but now I must find my own, one that I can truly believe in, and reap mental stability from. This must be a journey of nothing but my own logic. Optimally, the decision should be without influence, so I knew it was pure. Obviously, this was too late. So I decided the best surest method of belief discovery would be to learn more, to broaden my horizons, and try to have equal influences on all fields. I did not do this by trying different religions. They all merely present you with a single belief system which you must follow, with the same kind of narrow-mindedness that christianity promotes. Instead, I took to philosophy, trying to get basic views and perspectives on the practises that promote openmindedness. After studying several conflicting spiritual views, I now consider myself able to create my initial personal belief system.

My Beliefs

Throughout the universe, there are laws. There are physics, mathematics, and metaphysics, all of which give order to existence. All forms of matter contain these laws, not physically, of course, but on a deeper level. The universe has a direction to it, chemical reactions, bodies in motion, atoms reaching stability, the universe is constantly accomplishing. God is what makes these rules, and what gives the universe direction. From now on, when I refer to God, it is to this concept I refer, and not to a supreme "being".

God is the reason why matter is possible, indeed, the reason why possibility matters. He provides for the forces of the universe, he is the source of all energy. God gives everything a purpose, and a role that must be followed. God brings the possibility of life. And, possibly most important, God created the consciousness. By giving the universe direction, he gave us senses for observing the universe, and logic to interpret, and link observations with the known. All this is so that, ultimately, we can understand. To understand God's ways is to understand all, and this understanding is my heaven.

To truly understand my god, you must understand what reality would be without him. With out laws and logic, possibility is irrelevent. Chemical reactions, the process for any changes in our universe, would have no "motivation", because there would be no attraction between positive and negative, nor would there be any charges to begin with. Matter could not exist in any form to which we can imagine. Our subatomic particles would be nonexistent, and so existence itself could not take place. And forget about time. 2+2 could equal anything and everything, but still nothing at all. Anything could be in more than one place, in more than one size, at more than one speed, and not exist. Life could never happen, and nor could consciousness. So the universe itself would not neccessarily exist. The alternative to God is chaos and a void. If this does not make sense, then my intent is clear.

But because of God, our universe exists, it makes sence, and we can interpret it. The ultimate goal of man is understanding of God. And because God is not an entity, he needs no praise, and could not accept it any way. Thus, practise of my belief can only consist of looking for meaning, and trying to understand.

Because my religion is one of discovery, it demands no loyalty. It is a reflection of my consciousness, and can change as my knowlege does. In this respect, the theory of christianity complies with my religion, for it is a reflection of one's own belief in Jesus. And if Jesus is truly believed by one, then christianity is just as real as my beliefs.