Scene One: Brendon's House
Chndler: We're gonna do it, Brendon!
Brendon: Do what?
Chandler: What we've been dreaming of forever! We're going to sneak an entire smorgasbord of food into the theatre!
Brendon: I've been dreaming about these green monkeys who bite you and--
C: Irregardless! This Saturday, we're gonna sneak a blethora of food into the matinee!
B: What movie?
C: I don't care. Just pick up these groceries and meet me at your house, Saturday at 6AM.
B: Yeah, where else am I gonna be at 6?
C: Just read the list!
B: Grocery list. 203 Musketeers?! Where am I gonna find any musketeers, let alone 203 of them?
C: No, that's twenty 3 Musketeers.
B: Still, how am I gonna get 23 of 'em?
C: No no. Twenty candy bars, namely, 3 Musketeers.
B: Oh I see. Next. ninety-one hundred grand? How am I gonna come up with that much?
C: Tell you what. I'll buy the groceries. You just show up. (Exits)
B: Hold on! I need directions.
Scene 2: Brendon's House, Saturday Morning
B: Sorry I'm late. Um, my car broke down.
C: Forget about it. We've only got 8 hours to prepare for this afternoon.
B: (Pinky's voice) Why Chandler? What are we doing this afternoon?
C: (Brain's voice) The same thing we do every afternoon, Brendon. Try to sneak food into the theatre!
B: Hey! Pizza!
C: That's not for now! We have to conceal it, and smuggle it into the movies, you brainless horny toad.
B: Whoa. How are we gonna do that?
C: Easy! We stuff it into this giant balloon. You swallow it, and crap it out later, in one of those nasty theatre stalls.
(Quick zoom into Brendon's face)
B: Yipes!
Scene 3: 2 hours later
B: Wow. That was uncomfortable.
C: True, my friend, (Music Swells) but your discomfort is a small price to pay for the profound glory of exiting a cinematic latrine with a pizza in tow. Plus, this way, it should stay warm until we eat it. (music stops abruptly)
B: So, are you going to swallow the tacos?
C: The hell I am! I'm not stupid enough to pull that stunt.
B: So you're going to use a stunt double?
C: That was such a cheap combination of misinterpretation and ironic self awareness, I oughta hit you.
(Camera trick: Chandler is replaced with stunt double who hits Brendon, Chandler returns)
B: Ow! It hurts! It feels like I've been hit by . . . a Hindu!
C: Hindu! Brendon, that's just the random poorly disguised idea inspiring transition I needed!
B: Just following the script.
(Chandler wraps tacos in towell, places on his head)
C: Viola! A turban.
B: Viola? Don't you mean voila?
C: Exactly! We'll strap the pig to my back, and I'll wear my candy-filled trenchcoat over it.
B: Ofcourse. The trenchcoat.
C: What, you think I bought it for looks?
B: wait a second. Whhhat in the whhhorld* are we gonna do with the two liters?
C: Hmmmm. I don't know. Let's think.
(hard thinking)
Scene 4: 3 hours later
(More hard thinking)
C: Where the heck are we gonna put the two liters?
(Enter Anna)
Anna: Hey guys. What's up?
(camera zooms in on boobs; zooms out to C and B, simultaneously look at boobs, at eachother, then at ceiling and say 'thank you' in "Shmitts gay beer" fashion)
C: That's it! Brendon, we can put the soda in your bra!
B: My bra?
Anna: I'm leaving. (exit)
B: What was she doing in my house?
C: Nevermind that. Just go get your mom's largest bra.
B: (pauses. Pulls bra out of pocket) Here.
C: (starts to say something; decides not to) Take off your shirt.
B: Hey, come on. At least buy me a drink.
C: Shut up and do it! Here, put on the bra.
B: Here we go again! The last time you told me to do this, you--
C: Let's not talk about that. Here, put these bottles inside.
B: Aw. I look like a cheap whore.
C: Not yet you don't. What we need is cheap whore make-up.
B: I'll get Anna.
C: Right.
Scene 5: 2 menus* later.
C: Anna! Can you make Brendon look like a whore?
Anna: Here we go again. Last time I did this, you--
C: Shut up! Shut up!
A: I'll see what I can do.
B: (whimper)
Scene 6: Much Later
C: Almost time to leave, Brendon. Did you shave your legs?
B: I'm not shaving my legs.
C: Meh*. Let's practice our lines, then.
B: OK.
C: Hello, I'm an Indian hunchbacked mafia member.
B: And I'm a cheap whore.
C: And we'd like two tickets please.
B: And we're not concealing any food.
C: Perfect! Let's go. This is going to be glorious*!
Scene 7: 10 menus* later
C: That really sucked! I can't believe you forgot the ticket money!
B: I thought you were paying!
C: I bought the groceries!
B: Still, it's customary for the guy to pay.
C: Just shut up. Boy, that plan really failed.
Camera Man: (extends finger) Failure! Failure!*
C: Hey! Cut it out! C'mon, knock it off! (C.man stops) Oh well. Let's just eat the food.
B: Hold on. I need to use the bathroom.
C: Bring me a slice.
(Brendon picks up tuba, plays ditty)
Fin |
