Announcer: Welcome to Stand Up or Shut Up. Your host tonigt, [#1].
(energetic applause)
#1: (screaming) What the f(beep)? (laughter) I mean, sh(beep)! (laughter) My mother f(beep)ing wife left me, that (beepbeep)ing whore. (laughter) Our first comedian tonight is that f(beep)er from Half Baked. Sh(beep)!
(applause, enter FFHB)
FFHB: You ever seen a tree? It's got, what, like, a BILLION leaves? What's up with that? (laughter) And did you ever see snow? These little pieces of ice just fall out of the sky! I mean, what the hell? (laughter) And rain? Man, don't get me started! (laughter)
Audience member: (Stands up) What are you people laughing at? He's making uneducated observations, with no punchlines! This isn't funny! Hey! (Large cane extends, drags him off) Lemme go! (exit)
FFHB: Man, did you see that guy? He said, I'm not kidding, like 20 words! I mean, what's up with that? (laughter) Man, I gotta go. Someone keeps puttin' leaves in my yard. I mean, what the hell?
(Extreme laughter, enter #1)
#1: Man, that guy was f(beep)ed up! (laughter) Our next piece of Sh(beep) is Rodney Dangerfield.
(Applause, enter Rodney)
Rodney: I tell you, I tell you. My wife says I'm too old. So I tell her, good men are like whine; they get better as they age. So she locks me in the cellar! (laughter) I tell you, by the time I learned to read a woman like a book, my library card had expired. (Laughter) I tell you, I tell you. Sex is like a bridge game! You don't need a partner if you have a good hand! (laughter) Look at me! My career is so down the tubes, I have to tell masturbation jokes to get a laugh! (laughter) Hey, it's not funny. The only time people can appreciate me is when I make myself look completely pathetic. (laughter) Hey, cut it out! I'm having a severe psychological problem here! I have no dignity, and I use this lack of self worth to entertain strangers! (laughter) Knock it off! Do you guys WANT me to commit suicide? (laughter) I TELL YOU I DON'T GET NO RESPECT!! NO RESPECT AT ALL!!
(Wild applause, exit Rodney)
#1: F(beep)ing Sh(beep)! (laughter) Our next (beepbeep)er is Jerry Seinfeld.
(Applause, enter Jerry)
Jerry: Did you ever notice, how TV credits always go by so fast? I mean, they just fly by! If you can't read 'em, why you gotta have 'em? (laughter) But movie credits, now they're nice and slow. You want to see who the producers are? You can see 'em. you wanna know the writers? They're right there. (laughter) And they always gotta have that black screen. Every movie, the same black screen. (laughter) I mean, sometimes I forget which credits I'm watching. Is it Superman? I don't know! Is it Ghostbusters? I don't know! Well let's see, Frank Hobbes is the sound technician . . . (laughter) Did you ever notice, how tight my pants are? (laughter) I mean, my parents come up to me, and they're like Jerry! you can't wear the tight pants! and I'm like No! I gotta wear the tight pants! They're my pants! I gotta wear them! and they're like But Jerry! The people are gonna think you're gay! and I'm like Mom, what are you talking about? They won't think I'm gay! and she's like You wear the pants, they think you're gay. and I'm like But I gotta wear the pants! They're my pants! (laughter) I don't have to do this any more! I made enough money already.
(applause, exit Jerry)
#1: The f(beep)? Our next son of a b(beep) is [#2].
(applause, enter #2, white)
#2: Hey, why do black people always--
Audience: Booooo! Rascist pig! Get off the stage! etc.
(throw fruit, exit #2)
#1: The f(beep) was up with him? Our last f(beep)er, [#3].
(applause, enter #3, black)
#3: Man, I hate white men! (laughter) With their tight ass jobs! (laughter) You won't see no nigga in no job! (laughter) Peace.
(Wild applause, enter #1)
#1: That's the end of the f(beep)ing show! Get the hell out of here!
Announcer: This has been Stand Up or Sit Down. Tune in next week for Drew Carry and Jimmy Kimmel, unless they're tied up doing eight shows apiece on their respective networks.
Fin. |
