(Restaurant. Couple comes in and sits at table)
Ralph: What a lovely restaurant.
Gladys (Brendon in drag): Yes, quite.
(Enter Beamis, wearing only underwear)
Beamis: Hello, and welcome to Cafe Viola. My name's Beamis, and I'll be your waiter tonight. What drinks can I get you two?
Ralph: Well, I'll have--GAH!
Beamis: Excuse me sir?
R: You haven't got any clothes on!
G: Oh my!
B: You must be mistaken, sir. Now, what drinks will you be having tonight.
G: What are you at, going around in your skivvies? This is a public place, not a nudist colony.
B: Madam, I am not trying to commit to a lifestyle of nudism. I am merely trying to take your order. Now what can I get for you?
R: Well, for starters, you can get yourself a pair of slacks.
B: That's it. I will not stand here and be told how to dress. Forget it. I'm not going to serve you anymore.
G: Not going to serve us? You're a waiter!
B: I was just trying to be nice. But I am in no way obligated to serve you.
R: What are you talking about?
B: Did you not read the sign?
R: "No shoes, no shirt, no service."
B: Am I wearing shoes?
R: Well no!
B: And I'm certainly not wearing a shirt, so I don't see how you can expect my service.
G: I think that sign was intended for the customers.
B: With that in mind, I'll give you another shot. Now what will you be having?
R: I'll be having a word with your manager, if you don't mind!
B: (sighs) Very well sir.
(Exits, returns with manager, she is in underwear)
Manager: What seems to be the problem here?
R: Gah! You're in your underwear too!
M: Oh, not another one of these.
G: It's not proper! You shouldn't be running this kind of an operation!
(enter chef, in underwear)
Chef: (french accent) What eeze going on out here?
R: You're batty! All of you are insane! Let's go, Gladys.
(Exit Ralph, Gladys)
B: You know. I never wanted to be a waiter. Always giving out food, never getting it back. And the monotony! It's dull! Dull, dull, god it's dull. I always wanted a life of adventure. Action! Surprises! The great outdoors! I always wanted to be . . .
(scene change, Beamis is now in the woods, in full Lumberjack get up)
B: . . . a Lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the great rivers of Brittish columbia! The larch. The redwood. The mighty sequoia! With my best girl by my side! (Girl pops up) The oak! The elm! The elk! And we'd sing! Sing! SING!
(Start musical number)
B:
Oh I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day!
(Camera change to gang of park rangers, singing)
PR:
He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night, and he works all day.
B:
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavortry!
On Wednesdays we go shopping,
and have buttered scones for tea.
PR:
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavortry.
On wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night, and he works all day.
B:
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers!
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
PR:
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wildflowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?
He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night, and he works all day.
B:
I cut down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear papar!
PR:
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
Suspenders and--
(end musical number)
PR: Oh, come on. What kind of a fairy fancy fairy faggot goes around dressing like women (etc.).
Girl: Oh Beamis! And I thought you were so rugged!
(Runs away)
B: But I thought--
PR: Out! Out! Get right out of the woods!
(Beamis sadly exits)
PR:
He's a lumberjack and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay,
He sleeps all night, and he works all day.
(fin) |
