(Chandler is sitting in chair, doing something intelligent)
Voice: (unenthusiastic) Welcome to Ask Mr. Chandler. Here he is.
Chandler: He-llo! I'm Mr. Chandler, and this is Ask Mr. Chandler, the show that isn't really a television show, but a movie sketch. (pulls out letter from pants) Todays letter comes from Billy. Billy writes:
Dear Occupant:
(Chandler winks at camera)
Why are toilet seats cold?
Love,
Billy.
Well, Billy, that's an interesting question, and I'm glad you asked. It all started long ago, when witches roamed the earth, and nobody had to go poo. Well, somebody invented food, and one thing led to another, and through the compelling neccessity for something to crap in, the toilet was invented. It might have been invented by the same guy. Irregadless, the first toilets were made of dinosaur dung, but these didn't work to well; they kept flushing themselves. So then they started making toilets out of anything and everything, including plutonium. Somebody tried to make a completely portable toilet, and this is why ladies used to wear those big poofy dresses, you know, with the big skirts. Well, the portable toilet was very popular, until people realized that they didn't work. (This realization took some time, and half of Europe died in the process) Nowadays, toilets are made of white gold, or so they say. Now, this modern toilet can be very cold, so, in the past seventeen minutes, scientists invented a warm toilet seat, and I bought one, for, you see, I hadn't gone since the early fourteenth century. However, when I sat on the seat, my "fireman" fell into the water. Not a pleasant experience. Unless you're expecting it. It was then that I discovered while toilet seats must be cold. It is in order to keep our "slip and slides" dry. Allow me to go deeper. The frigid surface of the toilet seat ensures that even those men (and women) with the longest "puds" do not have to worry about moistening their "who-who-dillies" when they go to the WC, thanks to a scientific principle known as "shrinkage". This is the theoretical process in which magical fairies that live in coldness sprinkle dust on limp "flibbity-gibbits" and cause them to decrease in volume, or so it is hypothesized. Speaking of which, it seems that our time has "decreased in volume". Ha ha! I'll see you later on in the movie, boys and girls. I mean tune in next week. Bye.
Voice: Join us again next time, for another Ask Mr. Chandler. |
